Troubled in Spirit

Today I read Mosiah 26. The main part of this chapter is Alma receiving revelation from the Lord on what to do with those members of the church that commit sin. The phrase that has always stood out to me in this chapter is when it says Alma's spirit was troubled.

For a long time I had always wondered what that phrase meant. In the summer of 2004, I found out. That year, I had graduated from college a few months prior and the summer was coming to a close and I was trying to find out what to do with my life. I had an opportunity to go live in China for a year teaching English, working at a local fast food restaurant as a manager, or waiting to hear back from the NSA to see if I was going to work for the government.

I remember very clearly how I felt that year. I was, troubled is indeed the best way to put it. I did not know what I should do. Always up to this point in my life I had a clear cut direction in which to proceed in my life. This was the first time I felt Heavenly Father was leaving it up to me to decide. I weighed my options and every time I prayed I felt nothing.

I began to panic. I had never just NOT gotten an answer from the Lord before. Never. I was worried. I started to lose sleep. I started not eating very much. I studied the scriptures often, but to no avail. My spirit was indeed troubled. I was worried that I was going to make the right choice and that I was going to offend God in the process. I actually made myself sick at one point. If you have never felt that way before it is almost impossible to understand. I have tried to explain it to people before and they never seem to fully get it.

Finally I sought a blessing and was told that I could choose my own path and that it would all be ok. I was told that I could go to China and it would be fun, but it was not the best use of my time. Have you ever been told that by God? Has anyone ever said after hearing that, "Well ok then I'm going to do it!"? Honestly? Really? LOL. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I could not help but think, why can't you just say No, don't go to China? LOL.

Needless to say, I did not go to China. I ended up getting an apartment and bunking up with 2 roommates that helped change my life as I did theirs. I met my best friend during that year I would have been in China. I do not know where I would be today if I had gone. But I do know where I am today because I didn't go. I have a beautiful wife who I love with all of my heart who is 36 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have a testimony of the Gospel and love my Heavenly Father and have a career that I enjoy. Life is truly good.

For those of you that have never been troubled in spirit, I sincerely hope you never have to go through that. But know that when you are trouble in spirit, turn to the Lord and LISTEN to what He tells you. I'm sure glad I listened to what He had to say to me. Until tomorrow.